Me man, you cricket, we play

No. 3: Neanderthal man
(Kent, England, Prehistoric Predators Select XI)

Blessed with terrific eyesight and a squat, muscular physique, Neanderthal man would have been a superb addition to the disappointingly short roster of cricketing species, currently - since the tragic decline of 2011 World Cup mascot Stumpy the Elephant into alcohol-fuelled recrimination and obscurity - populated almost exclusively by Homo sapiens.

Neanderthal batsman, with his large eye sockets and highly developed vision, would have been capable of picking up line and length almost instantly, before powering the ball through the infield with his potent, Robinsmithian forearms. If his innate shortness of limb might have left him without the six-hitting levers of a Kevin Pietersen, those strong arms and hands - built up while hacking stuff to pieces using flint instead of chainsaws, and wrestling rhinocerids and aurochs, the extinct giant cattle species - would still have sent the ball speeding across today's pristine outfields. Having learned the game playing on the largely unmown planet of 150,000 BC (give or take 100,000 years), Neanderthal man would surely have given 21st century boundary boards a severe pounding.

However, despite their reputation as rather rudimentary creatures, we should not assume that they would have been T20 specialists. Far from it. As Professor Chris Stringer, research leader in human origins at London's Natural History Museum, has said: "We know that the Neanderthals were very capable technicians." We can safely assume he was talking about their cricketing skills, and implying that they would have been well suited to all formats.

Neanderthal batsman, with his large eye sockets, would have been capable of picking up line and length almost instantly, before powering the ball through the infield with his potent, Robinsmithian forearms

Despite an average height of just five feet and four inches, Neanderthal bowler's muscular haunches, allied to fast-twitch fibres honed running away from sabre-toothed tigers, would have given him an awkwardly slippery pace, while his short, prehistoric stature would have armed him with a lethal, skiddy bouncer, propelled in a flurry of wild, unkempt hair and disconcertingly short arms.

On the field, Neanderthal man would have been a fearless, David Boon-like short leg, but also blessed with a ferocious throwing arm that could quite literally knock down a woolly mammoth.

Moreover, Neanderthal man possessed a larger brain than modern humans, clocking in with an impressive 1600 cubic centimetres of cranial real estate. However, despite their capacious bonces, they completed their 200,000-odd-year career as a species without developing an electric kettle, the internet, or (as far as archaeologists are aware) the chicken nugget, let alone a motorbike, dancing Coke can, smartphone, or Hawk-Eye.

This extraordinary lack of technological advancement suggests that the Neanderthals devoted most of their voluminous brains to intimidatory grunting. They could have applied this skill to facilitate a slight advance in the sophistication of modern sledging.

As a species accustomed to hunting all kinds of crazy beasts, Neanderthal man would have brought a competitive intensity that has sometimes been absent from recent international human teams. Given he survived for a couple of hundred thousand years in the often inhospitable conditions that existed in the time before chain hotels and jacuzzis, it is hard to imagine a Neanderthal XI disintegrating comprehensively in a Test series at the first sign of adversity.

With his range of game-changing skills, plus his unmistakable look, it is likely that Neanderthal man would have been in great demand among IPL franchises, despite a tendency to be monosyllabic in press conferences.

However, having proved early on in his evolution that he is not afraid to split from the pack and form his own species, one can also assume that Neanderthal man might have developed his own format of cricket - perhaps, given that his brain was more asymmetric than a human's, Twentyone19.

It is, therefore, a matter of considerable regret that the species carelessly died out around 40,000 years ago, leaving the cricket fields of the world open for the domination of Homo sapiens, the celebrity hominid species that has produced cricketers such as Donald Bradman, Garfield Sobers and Piers Morgan.

(Thanks be to Wikipedia.)

Andy Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on BBC Radio 4, and a writer

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